Hit and run
by chainsaw deathsplosion
Summary: A thief and a king are best of friends, but by law the king must execute the thief or it will mean war between kingdoms! My first story, it may not be great, Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Niku stared up at the castle. He had done this many times before, but today was different. Today he would get through that castle and tomorrow he would be rich. "I can't live off pick pocketing forever" he always told himself. But in his heart he knew that he would always be a petty thief (and by always I mean until nightfall.)

The rest of the day dragged on slowly, but, when night came, he did it, and….failed. The king stared down at Niku smiling, "Wow, Niku," he said sarcastically, "It's not like you've done this before."

"I know right," Niku humored him, "this time I climbed up the gutter instead of going over the wall into the courtyard. Of course somehow I always end up here." Niku and the King were old friends; the two had traveled far and wide killing monsters, and stopping evil (in the king's case) and picking pockets and looting bodies (in Niku's case). Now, far past those days, Niku always raiding the castle had mostly just cemented their friendship. "But today is different, Niku," the King's smile faded.

"I have a Government Official in my court for a while, so this time I will have to actually have to put you through a trial."

"WHAT!" Niku yelled. The worst punishment he ever had was public service. "Just tell him to get out!"

"I can't do that; it would mean war between our kingdoms! The King sighed and then said quietly, "It's okay Niku; you've wriggled out of worse." But the king had lied; the worse was yet to come.

"Court is now in session! Niku, you stand accused of… how many raids against the castle?"

"Four or five." said the king. Ha! That liar. "Your majesty," Niku began, "I would like the court to know that the king and I are old friends."

"LIAR!" he was interrupted by the government official, "His Majesty and you are old friends?"

"Um, actually we are" said the king. This was met with mutters and shakings of the head.

"And furthermore I do not want the king lying on my behalf. I have raided the castle every other week for about two or three years."

"Liar!" barked the stupid government official "and you've never been caught?"

Actually I've never succeeded. I've raided his castle so many times he's installed an extra alarm for me."

"So you plead guilty?"

"Yep"

"You little liar, why are you lying? To bring the king down with you? To raise the sentence to death? Do you tire of your life? I don't even think I believe you when you say you're a thief! Never succeeded, Ha!"

"I can prove it"

"How?" demanded the Official.

"Is this your wallet?" He twirled a money bag around his finger. The official's expression was the funniest thing he had seen in a while and Niku had actually burst out into uncontrollable laughter

The trial went downhill from there. In the end Niku was sentenced to do something for the public that was not public service. The Government Official had said, "In your case, a death sentence would be a public service!"

The sewers had recently been blocked off and Niku was supposed to fix that. Niku knew that this _was_ a death sentence. If he was to show his face on the surface again he would become a wanted criminal. The worst part of Niku's life was saying goodbye to the king.

"Goodbye"

"Oh you'll be seeing him," said the government official. Where did he come from?

"What?" said Niku incredulously. Could the man have changed his mind? And just in the nick of time too, Niku was halfway down the manhole already

"The king has kept a criminal in society for too long" said the official, "He is to go down with you."

"What?" said the king, "I didn't get a fair trial, I'm not the criminal here!"

"It doesn't matter what happened in the court," the official sneered, "what matters is what is right."

SHOVE! And then the two went hurtling down into the sewer.


	2. Chapter 2

"Thank goodness there's a side path just above the sewage."

"Oh hey, sewage reminds me, have you ever met my pet?" Niku asked.

"Can't say that I have"

Niku reached into his coat and brought out a little cube of blue transparent goop. "Say Hi, Jello!"

"Ick! A gelatinous cube!"

"Don't 'ick' Jello!"

"It's kinda small."

"It's a baby!"

"How is your hand not burning off?"

"I have a magic item: amulet of ooze"

"He's disgusting" BOOM! The King was cut short by an amalgamated repulsive creature about eight feet in height. It had four (five?) legs and its mouth didn't have an up or down as there were several rows of teeth coming from every corner, in fact looking back on this its mouth composed most of its body! Thinking fast, the king slapped Jello out of Niku's hand into the mouth of the monster.

"JELLO!"

Niku enraged at the death of his pet slapped the king towards the beast. And as if on cue the creature fell over and Jello burnt his way out of the thing's stomach.

"Jello! Thank goodness!"

"Tadaa" said the king.

Niku narrowed his eyes and then said "Jello! Sic em!" After Niku's grudge had died out (about five minutes later), he said, "You know I never gave that Government Official his wallet back."

"Serves him right"

"Who would want to block off a sewer?"

"It doesn't matter what we know, we'll be dead by the end of next week."

"Hee, hee! But I have his wallet!"

"It doesn't matter! Money is worthless down here."

"Money is never worthless, that's what makes it money."

"How long have we been walking?"

Niku paused; they had been walking for a long time, six hours? No, more like four. Niku realized that they had no food

"Yeah, I'm starting to get hungry" said the king.

"Maybe I'll buy you a sandwich; I do have that guy's wallet." The friends laughed and continued walking


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually despair began to clutch over the two, the king first. Niku tried to keep spirits up by signing a few songs,

"_Mary had a little creature,_

_ Which was her pride and joy_

_ And everywhere that Mary went_

_ The creature would destroy_"

"Please just shut up"

After days straight of walking, they eventually reached a big iron wall and after hours of banging away in sludge and sewage BANG! Sploosh! Suddenly they were underwater, I mean, undersewage, and they attempted to swim up and up. They surfaced, and quickly ducked back down. They had seen very tall men wearing robes and hats with the horns of a goat or something sticking out of them. Behind them was a bulkhead door that looked like it might be locked. Niku readied his short sword and the king counted down on his fingers; three, two, one… "GO!" Niku leapt out swinging his sword blindly. A flash of light, then darkness enclosed him.

He woke up chained next to the king on an altar surrounded by hundreds of the tall men with horns coming from their heads in the dead of night. Suddenly Niku remembered who these men were:

…_Those belonging to the cult of Orcus curse natural death and praise undeath. All of them wish to someday become a vampire or something that is undead but retains its mentality, but they wouldn't mind to even become a zombie or a skeleton when they die, as long as they "throw off the shackles of humanity." The cult of Orcus surrounds themselves with corpses and will do practically anything to spread disease and filth._

That must be why the sewers were blocked off! Niku thought_. _

_The cult of Orcus' ultimate goal is to serve the evil being Orcus; Orcus' ultimate goal is to kill the Raven Queen, the god of natural death._

"Psst! Niku!" The king snapped Niku out of his thought

"What do we do?"

"I know who these guys are!"

"It doesn't matter right now."

"I know because I heard your royal guards talking about it!"

"Whatever! How do we…"

BOOM! Suddenly a gigantic being ten times the size of Niku and the king combined, blasted through the door into the room. The being was a muscular, red, humanoid creature. It had goat horns sprouting out of its head and held a staff (but compared to the being it looked like a wand) with a glowing skull blazing atop it. It was sitting on a throne being carried by about eight half-decomposed zombies and skeletons. Niku, being the more dexterous, immediately attempted to wriggle his way out of his chains. The priests of Orcus did not take well to this action and punched Niku into submission. The king's chains were much looser than Niku's (the priests probably thought Niku was the real fighter as he had leapt towards them swinging his short sword) and it gave him just enough leeway to kick the priest punching Niku. The priest dropped an important-looking staff which he was doing some random ritual with, and the king grabbed it.

"STAY BACK!" the king yelled standing as much as he could on the altar.

"He'll do it, he's crazy!" said a groggy Niku. At which point they were both knocked unconscious by the giant red being. Apparently the staff only had ritual purposes and was not a weapon.

Niku awoke again tied to a wall in a long hallway with several other people. Probably worshippers of the Raven Queen he thought. In the distance he saw the giant red being waving his staff/wand at people systematically moving down the line towards him. Whoever the being swung his staff/wand at, the victim would gasp or scream and their eyes would glow red and so on until they were reduced to another mindless zombie slave. Niku shuddered at the thought of it. Niku then (being the most dexterous) wriggled his way out of his chains and ran to the opposite wall out of sight of the being. He tailed the being, wincing or looking away when a victim was chosen for its cruel punishment, and when the creature was taking a rest, he stole the staff. The creature spun around and backslapped him across the hallway.

Niku stood up, tired, hungry, shaky, and scared, but mostly angry, and frustrated that the creature had caught him stealing. Praying to the Raven Queen, whose true name is long forgotten, he threw the staff, _"Please let this work better than the last one."_

"GRRRAAARGGHHH!" Niku and the beast both fell to the ground. Niku couldn't see the creature but he could just imagine it, writhing on the ground, with an unearthly glow coming from its already red eyes. Niku then reached into his coat and uttered these two words, words that he thought would be his last, "Jello… Feast" and then darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

"Niku! WAKE UP!" Slap!

"What?"

"Oh hey, you're not dead!"

"Dead? What? Can I get breakfast in bed?"

"Niku! Don't you remember?" Suddenly it all came rushing back to him, the sewers, the creature,

"Oh yeah right!"

"Glad to see you don't have amnesia"

"What happened to you?"

"Me?" the king grinned "the priest I got stuck with was a total moron; he practically gave me the keys to my cell. Then I got help to bring you up here"

"And what about Jello?"

The king pointed to a six foot tall blue cube filled with bones

"Little guy had the time of his life, and guess what?"

"What?"

"That big red guy?"

"Yeah?"

"He was Orcus himself!" after the initial shock of this statement wore off

(About five minutes later) Niku said "I think I deserve a breakfast in bed"

Niku had extra bacon that morning.


End file.
